imperfect vessels

"But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves.      2 Corinthians 4:7

Our friends over at 99Balloons are hosting a  blog series called StoryFork: a community engaging disability.  Andrew & I are young ones in this world and are soaking up every word these incredible folks are writing.  In a broken down moment (or many of them lately) I wrote this letter to our baby girl far away.  And to her friends, whom we daily are praying for.  Each made in His image, each created for His glory.  Each showing more of God in ways that are beautiful beyond my imagination.  

dear one,

if i had seen you before i would have prayed for you for a moment.  i would have said how sad and i wish there was something to be done.  i would have looked at your face and thought you precious.  i would have pondered for a conversation the plight of orphans with special needs and what should be done and who should be doing it.  and then all of a sudden i would have forgotten your face and made you a number and a cause.  

i am so very sorry.  i am sorry i saw through my own eyes, my own selfishness.  i am sorry i looked with pity but not love.  i am sorry i saw something broken and failed to see the broken mess inside of me.  i am sorry i thought without compassion and believed myself to be the one to show Christ to others and you to have nothing to offer.  i am sorry i walked in ignorance and fear.  but, i am so very thankful that God, in His goodness, grabbed hold of me, and in light of Him and His word, has changed me.  

now, i so dearly desire to know you.  to know who you are. what makes you smile.  to know the sound of your laughter and the joy it brings.  what causes your tears and your sorrows.  how you will see me as your mama, andrew as your daddy, madeline & anna as your sisters, and simeon as your brother.  to know how to comfort you, feed you, play with you, rejoice over you, love you and be loved by you.  my sweet dear, i want to know you.  no more are you a number or a cause.  a list of disabilities and needs. you are my daughter and more so, you are a daughter of the the Most High.  when no one else has known you, He has.  and praise the Lord He is bringing me into the beauty of who you are.  

i will forevermore choose to know, to step into pain to see the beauty, just as Christ stepped into my pain to bring me to the beauty which is redemption.  hold on, dear one, we are coming.

much, much love,

your mama