Tonight I was sitting, about an hour or so past putting my babies to bed, when I heard my Anna crying. Sad, scared cries. I went in and there she was, lying on her back with her arm outstretched, crying. I scooped her up and quickly spoke words of love to her. Mama’s here, I got you. She nestled in, her little tears dampening my sleeve, popped her thumb in her mouth and fell back into sleep. I sat in the rocker with her in my arms. She held onto me and I held onto her. I prayed for her and spoke the truth that I’ve been speaking and praying over all my children since their first days: you are fearfully and wonderfully made.
This truth rings deep within me especially today. Today is my baby girl’s birthday. Not my Madeline or Anna, but my baby girl who I can’t hold onto with my hands. I wonder if she cries out in the night. I wonder if anyone holds her if she does. I want to hold her and rock her and feel her nestling my shoulder. I want to tell her she is fearfully and wonderfully made.
For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother’s womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; and in Your book were all written The days that were ordained for me, When as yet there was not one of them.
Today is a hard day for my mama heart. I can’t stand that I have missed so many birthdays. I can’t stand that I miss another day. I love this girl like crazy and can’t wait for her to be home.
We made birthday cake and sang to her today. We watched videos and looked at pictures and prayed for her. We celebrate her life and long to celebrate with her.
Today she is four, and she is so very worth celebrating.