"here I am, starving to death"

In the parable of the lost son there is a moment when the younger son says,

"here I am, starving to death"

Luke 15:17

I read this passage yesterday and couldn't get over that thought.  Here I am, starving to death.  This son had known and lived in the fullness of his father's household.  Yet here he was, dying.  In Mark's account of the time Jesus spent praying in the garden before His death Jesus finds His disciples, whom He had asked to watch and pray, sleeping and speechless.  

"They went to a place called Gethsemane, and Jesus said to his disciples, “Sit here while I pray.” He took Peter, James and John along with him, and he began to be deeply distressed and troubled. 

“My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death,” he said to them. “Stay here and keep watch.”

Going a little farther, he fell to the ground and prayed that if possible the hour might pass from him. “Abba, Father,” he said, “everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.”

Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping. “Simon,” he said to Peter, “are you asleep? Couldn’t you keep watch for one hour? 

Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. 

The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”

Once more he went away and prayed the same thing. When he came back, he again found them sleeping, because their eyes were heavy. They did not know what to say to him.

Returning the third time, he said to them, “Are you still sleeping and resting? Enough! The hour has come. Look, the Son of Man is delivered into the hands of sinners. Rise! Let us go! Here comes my betrayer!"" Mark 14:32-42

I am overwhelmed by this truth as it hits hard right in my inner being.  I am weak and needy and God has provided in full.  Yet I fall asleep instead of drawing near Him, I die hungry and thirsty sitting in sins He has removed from me.  Some days it is me looking for approval and affirmation by comparing myself to other mamas out there.  Or other days it is me longing for more Jesus but making no time or effort to meet with Him.  Why do I hold on to the life of the flesh?  Why do I starve myself and fall asleep in His presence?  Because I see me more than I see my Rescuer.  I trust me more than Him.  It's not outright and we are tempted to say we are trying to trust Jesus more or something like that but truly it's sin and I believe we should call it that.  My spirit may be willing, but my flesh is so weak.  In my pride and self-centered state I miss this giant truth of God:  

“The gospel is this: We are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared believe, yet at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope.” ― Timothy Keller, The Meaning of Marriage

Yes!  

It's all about Jesus.

Remove me from me, Lord!  Always this is what I need.  More of Him, less of me.  

It's not about me.

He is so much more. 

I will leave you with this LaCrae song that is a fav in our household.  Enjoy.

"dying of thirst, yet, willing to die thirsty"
LaCrae