grasping for love

My little Paulina has been laying in a hospital bed for the last 24 hours and will be for a bit longer.  We know some, but a lot is still very unknown.  Often, when describing my day with Paulina to Andrew, I give him the basics but end by saying, "She is such a little mystery!"  And now, as we try to figure out what is going on in her little body, we say it again, she is such a little mystery!  I am so thankful for an incredibly caring community of doctors and friends who are walking through this with us.  It is a confusing, mysterious, overwhelming mess.  But we are figuring it out!  And she is totally worth every second of our time on this and every second we have to spend in a hospital.  

"Remember, dear brothers and sisters, that few of you were wise in the world’s eyes or powerful or wealthy when God called you. Instead, God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful. God chose things despised by the world, things counted as nothing at all, and used them to bring to nothing what the world considers important. As a result, no one can ever boast in the presence of God." 

1 Corinthians 1:26-29

I love her so unbelievably much and am often overwhelmed at how blessed I am to have her as a daughter.  She teaches me so much about God's goodness and grace.  Today, as I was sitting in her hospital bed with her, she again brought me to my knees before Jesus for the way He loves His children and abundantly meets our needs.  She was sleeping soundly after being poked and prodded and I was resting next to her.  I rolled over to reach for my phone, and she cried out and took hold of me, grasping with all her little might.  She knows me, she trusts me, and she clings to me when fear and pain come.  I have no words to describe the joy and gratitude and humility this brings in me.  We've asked Him on her behalf that she would know us and trust us and know we are here, we are constant, we love and will take care.  And oh beautiful glory, she does.  She does.  I can't help but praise Him.  

This brings me to my question and conviction.  Do I grasp for Jesus when fear and pain surround me?  When we are overwhelmed by the medical unknowns of our daughter?  Tired and confused about what to do?  Frustrated that we can't be in two places at once, the hospital with Paulina, and home with Madeline, Simeon, & Anna?  And on and on...fear and pain.  Where do I turn?  Do I know Jesus, trust Him, cling to Him?  Oh, I long to!  I am trying to.  I am thankful for His tender grace to remind me and draw me more and more to Him.  

I'm holding her, she's grasping me; I will grasp hold of Jesus, and He will hold me.