i am not a crazy person

The other day I joked with some friends that I need my husband to tell me every night that I am not a crazy person.  Everyone kind of nodded and shared an agreement type giggle but the truth is, I am serious.  Sometimes I really do have him tell me I am not a crazy person.  I could sit and write out the list of all the reasons my mind and emotions and parenting and children and husband and wife-ing and cooking and cleaning and laundry-ing and so on make me feel like a crazy person but I know you mama’s know what I mean.  Or at least, I am hoping so.  Because if not, maybe I truly am a crazy person. 

When the day is all said and done, and the knowledge of tomorrow’s day being much like today, I sit and assess.  I list and question and analyze and worry and generally just, as I like to say, have a freak out moment.  Am I too hard on my kids?  Do they know I love them?  Should I show them more grace?  Am I making Madeline frustrated more because of my attitude?  Will Anna e.v.e.r do her business in the potty?  Will I be able to answer the hard questions from Simeon when they come?  How can I get myself to Ukraine faster?  What does it mean to truly love Jesus?  Am I showing my family more of Christ & less of me?  Enter crazy person world.  Now clearly I know that these topics have varying degrees of importance and should have some thought put into them but my problems center around  a basic truth that Jesus has been laying on me hard and heavy lately. 

Where is He in all of my crazy freak outs?

His love and grace are overwhelming me these days.  I can’t describe it well, but daily, at some point, He draws me into a minute of quiet and reminds me.  He loves me, He has been and will always be gracious to me.  He is trustworthy and good.  He cares for me.  He loves me.  I am working at believing this and knowing that believing this will change me.  Will change the way I seek Him, the way I serve Him, the way I parent, the way I run my home, the way I love my husband, the way I do everything.  It is simple to hear but overwhelmingly powerful to actually believe.  And in my crazy freak out moments I am learning to look away from myself and look up to Him. 

I am doing a Bible study on Genesis and this verse has been a catalyst in my heart to knowing His love.  God makes this promise to Abram, I am your shield & your very great reward.  I love this picture.  And I am very challenged by it as well.  Is He truly my very great reward?  Do I walk in that personal and intimate of a relationship with Him?  Loving Him & being loved by Him.  Knowing Him as my very great reward.  I certainly do want to. 

 “After this, the word of the Lord came to Abram in a vision: “Do not be afraid, Abram. I am your shield, your very great reward.” Genesis 15:1