unexpected Jesus

 "As they approached Jerusalem and came to Bethphage and Bethany at the Mount of Olives, Jesus sent two of his disciples,  saying to them, “Go to the village ahead of you, and just as you enter it, you will find a colt tied there, which no one has ever ridden. Untie it and bring it here.  If anyone asks you, ‘Why are you doing this?’ say, ‘The Lord needs it and will send it back here shortly.’”

They went and found a colt outside in the street, tied at a doorway. As they untied it, some people standing there asked, “What are you doing, untying that colt?”  They answered as Jesus had told them to, and the people let them go.  When they brought the colt to Jesus and threw their cloaks over it, he sat on it.  Many people spread their cloaks on the road, while others spread branches they had cut in the fields.  Those who went ahead and those who followed shouted,

“Hosanna!”

“Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord!”

“Blessed is the coming kingdom of our father David!”

“Hosanna in the highest heaven!”

Jesus entered Jerusalem and went into the temple courts. He looked around at everything, but since it was already late, he went out to Bethany with the Twelve."

Mark 11:1-11

I think it is fair to say we would all, at different times in our lives, like Jesus to fit into our mold, our boxes, our ways.

But He doesn't.  He never has.

He enters Jerusalem, the start of the week that will be His last, and the people rally around Him.  Following and praising.  But ultimately we know they mostly fall away.  Because after He enters nothing is as they expected.  

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts."

Isaiah 55:8-9

Now is the time to throw out my expectations and find in Him the glorious joy of His ways.  Whatever they bring.  In parenting, in serving others, in friendships. With my heart, my mind, my actions.  He must be the Source.   

After all, it's not about me.

He is so much more. 

lean in and draw near

I am a bit weary in life right about now.  There are a vast array of big and little reasons spurring this weariness on.  If you gazed through my window you wouldn't see anything grand or drastic happening.  No out of the ordinary obedience or disobedience by my children.  We aren't living off of pizza and cereal nor am I cooking any five course meals.  My kitchen floors might be covered with cheerios and the back door cluttered with shoes but that's normal.  It's not a practical weariness.  It's actually hard to pin down.  I keep resting my head on my pillow at night and deeply sighing.  Wondering, what will take away this weary?  When will it go?  I'm tired.  I'm overwhelmed.  I'm feeling like I just won't ever get it together.  

A few nights ago Madeline lost it over cleaning her room but mostly she was tired and I knew it.  I gave her lots of graces and watched as her little mind and heart tormented over whether to sit in her frustration or be lifted up out of it with me and move forward.  She ended in my arms, crying and talking it through.  We talked of forgiveness and reminded ourselves that we can't ever try hard enough to be right and have it all together.  But, thankfully, the frustration in all that reveals all the more the beauty of Christ and our deep need for Him.  We are weak and we will fail.  Christ calls us in our weakness and failure and draws us into His forgiveness, grace, and love.  We need only to lean in and draw near to Him.  

Lean in and draw near.  As Lent begins tomorrow this is where I find myself.  Weak, weary, overwhelmed, and very very aware of my need for Jesus.  Now I need only to go to Him.  The question will be whether I will sit in my weariness or be lifted up out of it with Him and move forward.  Forward to the fullness of life with Jesus.  Forward in knowing Him, resting in Him, and also being obedient to give up my life for what He asks, even if it means I remain tired and overwhelmed.  Because dwelling in the weary tends to take life and make it all about me.  

And my life is not my own.  

I have been bought with a price.  

Lord, remind me.  Teach me to remember.  Teach me now to take my eyes off of me and gaze on You.  To give up dwelling in my weariness and sighing and lean in to You.  So I may see beyond myself and my days and be alive in Christ and who He is.  

Will you join me these next weeks leading up to Easter?  Join me in making your life wrapped up in Jesus and not in yourself.  Whatever you do, give something up, add something in, do it as you lean in and draw near to see, know, and glorify Him who gave His life.  

It's not about you.  

He is so much more.

Join me this Lent season in making space for Christ in your life.  I will be posting a bit on how we walk through Lent with our children, as well as Scripture each Wednesday that I am going through.  

Marriage Letters: deep thoughts

Andrew,

You are a deep thinker.  You take your time, ingest things, think long and steady on them.  You are quick to listen and slow to speak.  We joke in our house and with close friends, poking fun at you honestly, that you never want to be boxed in by saying something when you aren't ready to commit yourself to those outloud thoughts.

But I actually really love it about you, even if sometimes it drives me crazy.  When you are dwelling and thinking on things you are actually doing so much more.  It's how God's wired you to pursue Him.  It's how He teaches you, prepares you, and leads you.  Out of your silence comes great perspective and discernment.  You don't take steps in haste, but you constantly pursue which steps are next to be taken.  In your work, our family, our marriage, friendships, commitments.  I watch you think and pray and come alive.

You think deeply because you are deeply rooted.  I am very thankful.  Love you,

Ash


*pictured:  how we generally feel these days as we walk in the ways God has directed our lives, often through your deep thinking ways :)  love you.

linking up with my friend Amber today.  go check her out...she will certainly make you smile.

all believers together and a new van

About two weeks ago we got a new van.  But we didn't go somewhere, pick it out, take out monthly payments, or test drive anything.  No, I turned and looked out my front window one evening and there it was.  Sitting, shiny and bright, in my driveway.  And our friends said to us, it's yours.  

Someone anonymously gave us a van.  Gave. Us. A. Van.  A brand new off the lot 2014 Honda Oddessey.

We were and still are slightly dumbfounded by it all.  Amazed, humbled, thankful...these words hardly scratch the surface of what we've been processing.  I think the only words out of my mouth, through tears, for the first couple of hours were, 

"Oh my goodness, oh my goodness!  Who gives someone  a van? Oh my goodness!"

And repeat.  

One beautiful Scripture God has brought to mind as we've been reflecting on this new van is from Acts 2:42-47,

"They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe at the many wonders and signs performed by the apostles.  All the believers were together and had everything in common. They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved." 

As we pondered in awe over and over again, who would give us a van?, I found my answer in these verses.  All the believers were together, had everything in common, sold and gave to anyone who had need.  

It is simple and beautiful and in a hard and dark world people are living and breathing the life of Christ with others.  

It makes no difference who has what, who needs more, who has more.  What these believers had in common was devotion to their Savior.  Stuff was interchangeable and dispensable.  The love of Christ was filling their lives.  And it was so clearly evident to others and people were drawn to follow Jesus daily.  And they lived together with glad and sincere hearts.  No comparison, no jealousy, no shame for having less or pride for having more, no "faking" it.  

Sincere, loving, generous hearts.  

Somewhere out there, someone has shown this kind of living to us.  This kind of sincere, loving, and generous heart.  We didn't do something to deserve this gift; just as we don't deserve the kindness and mercy of God towards us.  But He is Good and He is Love.  And so we thank Him and ask that we might live our lives with sincere hearts that seek more for His glory than worldly pleasures.  

And to the one who gave us a van, we say thank you.  Thank you for your gift and thank you for being the hands and feet of Jesus to us.  

a lost tooth and something new found

My big girl Madeline lost her tooth this week.  This is a first in our household.  It's been wiggling for a few days now and all of us have been eagerly anticipating this together.  And her joy! It's just the sweetest, most genuine joy!  She is giggly and grins so big.  It just makes me love her all the more.

Since Madeline was born we've prayed for her to know Jesus.  She has such an intricate little heart and mind and getting to know her is such a blessing and challenge to me.  She has asked questions about Jesus, sin, Satan, grace.  We've read countless Bible stories with her and watched her curiosity grow, her understanding deepen, her imagination take off into the stories.  She is sensitive and emotional and dramatic and intense.  Beautiful.  Strong.  Passionate.

When she messes up, we call it sin.  We sit together and she processes with me.  Crying and wondering why she keeps messing up, telling me she doesn't know how to stop when she gets frustrated, falling into my arms overcome with remorse.  We speak grace and forgiveness and pray.  It is a beautiful battle that we are in with her.  Watching her first attempts to walk in faith.  

A few weeks ago Madeline sat through church with us.  We take communion weekly and she walked back with us.  She has done this before and we've never let her take communion but this time was different.  She asked if she could.  At first I said no, but I could tell she wanted to talk.  So we moved to the back and I told her that communion was something we did not just because we believe Jesus is real, but because we know we need Him to rescue us.  I asked her what she thought of all that.  She looked at me with tears in her eyes and said that's what she believes.  It was quiet and sweet.  I pushed a bit.  Tell me what you mean, I asked.  And she did.  Very shyly she told me that she knows she needs Jesus and she wants to follow Him and that is why she wants to take communion.  I had no words.  I asked her if we could pray together so we did.  Then I told her she should talk to Jesus as well, and she did, and she cried as she prayed.  And I had the privilege of taking her first communion with her.

It is a moment etched in my heart.

What does she understand?  What does this all mean?  I don't really know. But what I do know is this-in her heart and mind, in all she knows and understands, she wants to follow Jesus today.  She knows she needs Him.  So we rejoiced with her, hugged, and smiled.  When I put her to bed that night I asked her if she had thought any about what she had talked with Jesus about at church.  She said yes but didn't elaborate.  I sat in bed with her and we prayed and afterwards she told me that the reason she knew she really loved Jesus and wanted to follow Him was that every time we talked about it it would make her cry.  It was the sweetest moment with her.  Hearing her voice and heart spill out in joy and tears.  She is so much like me in how she processes so I know exactly what she means when she says that.  A few days later we bought her a new Bible, put her name on it, and read together.

I couldn't be more thankful to get to walk this road of faith with my sweet girl and pray for many, many more conversations and prayers that bring us closer to Jesus.

why I get so mad at my garage door

We have lived in our home for over three years now.  We try to live fairly simply, not focus on our "stuff" or invest in things that don't matter.  That statement, along with the fact that we 1. aren't handy, and 2. have 8 people in our home and therefore no time to focus on much else, are what generally dictate what gets worked on in our house and what doesn't.  Back to the point, which is, our garage door has been mostly broken for a long, long time.  We have a one car garage so this really only matters to me, the one whose van gets the garage spot.  In order to open or shut the garage door one must push the button, wait while it opens a bit and then stops, push it again, wait while it lowers a bit and madly push the button over and over in hopes that it will raise.  If not, just try again.  And again.  People, it's cold outside, there is ice on the driveway, I have four kids, a wheelchair, blah, blah, blah...  I've been annoyed, to say the least.    

"Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure children of God, in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe, holding out the word of life." Philippians 2:14-16

Bam.  Sometimes those little verses you say to your children throughout the day smack you right back in the face.  I know we all know we should not complain.  But have you ever tried this?  Once Andrew & I attempted to see if we could make it an entire day without a complaint pouring forth from our lips.  I won't say if we succeeded or not, you just try it for yourself.  

So here I am, frustrated beyond words over a garage door.  Whining, complaining, whining, complaining.  And I see no reason I shouldn't.  It is after all, fairly significant to my life.  Can't it just work properly?  

What an overwhelmingly discouraging reflection of my heart!  I claim contentment with my life: our belongings, my mama job, my status before others.  Yet all it takes is something small to wedge its little way into my heart and mind and all contentment is lost.  Replaced with complaints, comparisons, insecurities.  

You want to know the crazy thing?  All it took was a can of WD-40 and a little time and the door was working smoothly again.  

What is the WD-40 for my heart?  

The battle in my heart is in the little things.  It's in the morning when I wake up and choose to spend time in the Word.  Or in the shower when I spend 5 minutes in prayer.  It's while I am cooking and reading with the kids and listening to worship music in the background.  These are the moments that prepare me for the battles.  So that when I could lose my patience, I don't.  When I want to hold back forgiveness, but instead I give it.  When I need to say I'm sorry and I do.  

Jesus.  He is how I grease my squeaky, broken heart.  

Time with Him, transformed by Him, walking with Him.  

What in your heart needs some greasing?  Will you let Him in? 

don't forget you were carried to the table

somedays and weeks and hours you just need to remember.

this is my day, my week.  life is pressing in and i am feeling weak.  my sin and flesh are edging out victory in my heart, mind and actions.  i am losing patience, being rude and short with my children.  i am frustrated with my inability to figure things out.  i am not gracious where grace is needed.  i am relying on my own strength even when i know it's impossible and fruitless.  

remember your shattered state.  remember the feeling of lost.  remember the weakness that drew you to your knees in the first place.  

i need to remind myself all the more in these moments that i am not enough.  i am not all sufficient.  i am nothing.  but He most certainly isn't.  

remembering makes space and time to see all over again the beauty and glory of the King and His rescue of you.  

Glory.  He certainly is good.  

summoned by the King, into the Master's courts.  

carried to the table, seated where you don't belong.  

in His holy presence, i'm healed and unashamed.

Wounded and forsaken 

I was shattered by the fall 

Broken and forgotten 

Feeling lost and all alone 

Summoned by the King 

Into the Master's courts 

Lifted by the Savior 

And cradled in His arms 

I was carried to the table 

Seated where I don't belong 

Carried to the table 

Swept away by His love 

And I don't see my brokenness anymore 

When I'm seated at the table of the Lord 

I'm carried to the table 

The table of the Lord 

Fighting thoughts of fear 

And wondering why He called my name 

Am I good enough to share this cup 

This world has left me lame 

Even in my weakness 

The Savior called my name 

In His Holy presence 

I'm healed and unashamed 

You carried me, my God 

You carried me