lessons learning

Lately we've been having some melt downs. Crying. Yelling. Whining. You name it. It's not been pretty. Disobedience. Defiance. Stubborn sinful pride.

You may think I am talking about my kiddos here but the truth is the person I just described is just as often me as it is them.

When Madeline rebels I ache for her. I lament my own shortcomings and weep over my feelings of failures as a mama. I cry out to help her, teach her, make it all better. If only I think. If only she would hear my words and listen. Know that I am doing what's best for her. Trust that I will take care of her. If only. How can I love her enough to make her see? Can I?

She's a sinner. And so am I. When I read my Father's word I often walk away. I ignore His calling. I trip and fall over my stubborn sinful pride. I say yes Lord and turn and do nothing. I say send me Lord and walk back to my self and my ways.

And He loves me. And He knows that if only. If only I would listen, let Him lavish His love upon me. If only I would desire Him above all else. He would and will always answer. He will never change. He will be there.

Instead I live a life that gives me all the glory and acts as if I've given it to Him. I ache over all this. I want to live differently. How do I turn my eyes from me to Him?

Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart

Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art

Thou my best thought, by day or by night

Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light

I so wish this to be true of my heart. Desire beyond anything I can imagine. I am praying this for myself daily-to long for my Savior.

Riches I heed naught, nor man's empty praise

Thou mine inheritance, now and always

Thou and Thou only, first in my heart

High King of heaven, my treasure Thou art

I definitely heed my riches and even more so man's empty praise. I am praying this for myself daily-to treasure my Savior as my perfect inheritance.

High King of heaven, my victory won

May I reach heaven's joys, O bright heavens sun

Heart of my own heart, whatever befall

Still be my vision, O Ruler of all

Whatever befall. I am praying this for myself daily-to know my Jesus is victorious over sin and to live for heaven's joys.

Washed with Tears

"But he said to me,“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

“Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow" Isaiah 1:18

A Sinful Woman Anoints Jesus, taken from Mark 14, Luke 7, John 12

from the Jesus Storybook Bible

"The woman knelt down before Jesus like he was a king. She held Jesus' feet in her hands and started to cry. Her tears fell onto Jesus' feet, washing them. She kissed his feet and dried them with her long, dark hair. And then she did something strange. She broke the jar and poured the perfume all over his feet. Jesus looked at the woman, and he smiled. This woman had anointed Jesus--not with oil, but with her tears. The Important People were cross. They thought Jesus should not be kind to this woman. "That woman is a sinner!" they grumbled. "This woman knows she's a sinner," Jesus told them. "She knows she"ll never be good enough. She knows she needs me to rescue her. That's why she loves me so much. "You look down on this woman because you don't look up to God. She is sinful on the outside--but you are sinful on the inside." Jesus turned to the woman and smiled. "Your sins are forgiven," he said. "You trusted me. And God has rescued you!"

Twice in this story Jesus looked at the woman and smiled. What a beautiful picture. I read this story and immediately think of myself like the woman. But the reality is I am one of the Important People. If asked in any context outside of the "christian bubble," I would never say I want to be identified as weak, poor, sinful, broken. It's too humiliating, too ugly. Too true. Weakness is a word to be feared in our world. Not to be desired. Yet over & over we see it esteemed in Scripture. Not weakness as the world sees, but weakness as defined by Christ. Weakness that brings me humbly to my knees in tears as I worship the One who has rescued & redeemed me from the sin that consumes my insides. Weakness that calls me to boast because through it Christ's power rests in me and causes me to be strong. Weakness that draws me to giving up my greatest treasure because of the One I am loved by. As my husband reminds me, Jesus cannot ignore a humble heart. In light of Easter, in light of the sacrifice of Jesus, I pray for weakness, I pray for humility, I pray for a deep yearning to have Him increase and me decrease.

Again, I am included a favorite hymn...because the words speak to the desires of my heart. To be found in Him alone.

Rock of Ages

Rock of Ages, cleft for me,
Let me hide myself in Thee;
Let the water and the blood,
From Thy wounded side which flowed,
Be of sin the double cure;
Save from wrath and make me pure.

Not the labor of my hands
Can fulfill Thy law’s demands;
Could my zeal no respite know,
Could my tears forever flow,
All for sin could not atone;
Thou must save, and Thou alone.

Nothing in my hand I bring,
Simply to the cross I cling;
Naked, come to Thee for dress;
Helpless look to Thee for grace;
Foul, I to the fountain fly;
Wash me, Savior, or I die.

While I draw this fleeting breath,
When mine eyes shall close in death,
When I soar to worlds unknown,
See Thee on Thy judgment throne,
Rock of Ages, cleft for me,
Let me hide myself in Thee