grasping for love

My little Paulina has been laying in a hospital bed for the last 24 hours and will be for a bit longer.  We know some, but a lot is still very unknown.  Often, when describing my day with Paulina to Andrew, I give him the basics but end by saying, "She is such a little mystery!"  And now, as we try to figure out what is going on in her little body, we say it again, she is such a little mystery!  I am so thankful for an incredibly caring community of doctors and friends who are walking through this with us.  It is a confusing, mysterious, overwhelming mess.  But we are figuring it out!  And she is totally worth every second of our time on this and every second we have to spend in a hospital.  

"Remember, dear brothers and sisters, that few of you were wise in the world’s eyes or powerful or wealthy when God called you. Instead, God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful. God chose things despised by the world, things counted as nothing at all, and used them to bring to nothing what the world considers important. As a result, no one can ever boast in the presence of God." 

1 Corinthians 1:26-29

I love her so unbelievably much and am often overwhelmed at how blessed I am to have her as a daughter.  She teaches me so much about God's goodness and grace.  Today, as I was sitting in her hospital bed with her, she again brought me to my knees before Jesus for the way He loves His children and abundantly meets our needs.  She was sleeping soundly after being poked and prodded and I was resting next to her.  I rolled over to reach for my phone, and she cried out and took hold of me, grasping with all her little might.  She knows me, she trusts me, and she clings to me when fear and pain come.  I have no words to describe the joy and gratitude and humility this brings in me.  We've asked Him on her behalf that she would know us and trust us and know we are here, we are constant, we love and will take care.  And oh beautiful glory, she does.  She does.  I can't help but praise Him.  

This brings me to my question and conviction.  Do I grasp for Jesus when fear and pain surround me?  When we are overwhelmed by the medical unknowns of our daughter?  Tired and confused about what to do?  Frustrated that we can't be in two places at once, the hospital with Paulina, and home with Madeline, Simeon, & Anna?  And on and on...fear and pain.  Where do I turn?  Do I know Jesus, trust Him, cling to Him?  Oh, I long to!  I am trying to.  I am thankful for His tender grace to remind me and draw me more and more to Him.  

I'm holding her, she's grasping me; I will grasp hold of Jesus, and He will hold me.  

fearfully and wonderfully made

Tonight I was sitting, about an hour or so past putting my babies to bed, when I heard my Anna crying.  Sad, scared cries.  I went in and there she was, lying on her back with her arm outstretched, crying.  I scooped her up and quickly spoke words of love to her.  Mama’s here, I got you.  She nestled in, her little tears dampening my sleeve, popped her thumb in her mouth and fell back into sleep.  I sat in the rocker with her in my arms.  She held onto me and I held onto her.  I prayed for her and spoke the truth that I’ve been speaking and praying over all my children since their first days: you are fearfully and wonderfully made. 

This truth rings deep within me especially today.  Today is my baby girl’s birthday.  Not my Madeline or Anna, but my baby girl who I can’t hold onto with my hands.  I wonder if she cries out in the night.  I wonder if anyone holds her if she does.  I want to hold her and rock her and feel her nestling my shoulder.  I want to tell her she is fearfully and wonderfully made. 

For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother’s womb.  I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.

My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;

Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
and in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them.

Psalm 139:13-16

Today is a hard day for my mama heart.  I can’t stand that I have missed so many birthdays.  I can’t stand that I miss another day.  I love this girl like crazy and can’t wait for her to be home. 

We made birthday cake and sang to her today.  We watched videos and looked at pictures and prayed for her.  We celebrate her life and long to celebrate with her. 

Today she is four, and she is so very worth celebrating.

my growing up baby

Today was a big day for me.  My sweet 4 year old baby girl skipped through the doors of her new pre-school classroom and I walked away.  Madeline couldn't have been more excited.  She loves structure, teachers, learning, and playing.  She was all smiles and cheerfulness.  I was all smiles as well...at least until I shut myself back up in the safe confines of my car.  And then I cried.  And I may be crying some now.  Maybe.  Like I said, it is a big day for me.  Up to now Madeline & I have basically spent every day of her life together.  It is weird and hard and sad and exciting to watch your babies grow.  I keep thinking that this is the beginning of her being gone from me more and more and more.  Today I was praying for her (& me) and was reminded by Jesus that who she is and what she does and where she is belongs to Him.  I so greatly long for her life to always be centered on Jesus as her Lord and I know I need to trust Him with her life every step of the way.  Not just the steps that are taken away from me.  So proud of my little girl, her sweet character, her compassion and love for others, and her tender spirit.  I joyfully and eagerly look forward to watching her life unfold and Christ be made known to her and through her.  What a privilege to be her mama.  

 first ever haircut in preparation for pre-school

 professionally done by her Aunt Lauren!

 all ready for orientation

 this girl loves making silly faces

 preciousness

 first day of pre-school!

 she picked her outfit, shoes, and hair-do

 more silly faces

her 4 year old class

oh anna...

My baby girl is about to turn 2 on Sunday & Anna is quite the character around our house these days.  Some would say she kinda runs the place.  Or at least runs her mama.  Which basically is like running the whole shebang.  This pic captures a very typical and regular event in our backyard.  Oh, Anna, good thing you are precious.

At a few days shy of 2, Anna is full of sweetness.  She is curious, happy, loves to laugh, adds words to her very small vocabulary daily, loves to dance and turn in circles, loves swimming and being naked, loves her sister & brother and follows them around, races to her daddy whenever he comes home from work, and mostly, adores being with her mama.  I can say that because I am her mama and also because it is true.  :)  Love you baby girl.

deep roots at home

quotes sent to me by my wonderful mama-in-law “Oh that God would give every mother a vision of the glory and splendor of the work that is given to her when a babe is placed in her bosom to be nursed and trained! Could she have but one glimpse in to the future of that life as it reaches on into eternity; could she look into its soul to see its possibilities; could she be made to understand her own personal responsibility for the training of this child, for the development of its life, and for its destiny,–she would see that in all God’s world there is no other work so noble and so worthy of her best powers, and she would commit to no others hands the sacred and holy trust given to her.” ~J.R. Miller

“The devil never reckons a man to be lost so long as he has a good mother alive.  O woman great is thy power!” …Charles Spurgeon mama happenings at my house.  i love these kiddos.  reflecting and talking with good friends last night and we talked about our fears and hopes for raising our children, our prayers for the ways we don't want them to be, and our desires for who we do want them to be.  our responsibility is great.  and often very daunting.  but mostly so when i am living out of my own plans for them, out of my own strength, and within the boundaries of my own failures and sins.  the beautiful reality is that, ultimately, we are not the ones who will do the saving work for our children.  we are blessed to have them now.  to teach, train, and point their hearts toward Christ.  how can i grasp the depths of what God has entrusted to me and at the same time fully trust Him for the ones He loves far greater than i could ever imagine?  i love these quotes and do want to pray for myself and my mama friends that I would have a vision of the glory and splendor of the work God has given me and that I would take each moment, each day, to to be intentional, to love them well, to not just pass from thing to thing without realizing the beauty put before me.  and the opportunity for me to become more like Christ and less like me.  and the doors that in turn will open for my children. also, on a tangent note.  i don't want to be falsely puffed up and walking on high and mighty "me"ness, but i do think a little mama encouragement is needed in every mama's life.  so go ahead, lift a mama up.  let her know the mama things she is doing that show her love for Jesus and her kids, notice outloud some of her sacrifices that mostly go unnoticed, give her a break, write a handwritten note, say a prayer, insert some Scripture in your conversation, and lift each other up to becoming more and more like Christ.  seriously, pick someone and do it.  happy weekending.

i'm a mama

to Madeline, Simeon, Anna, & my baby girl far away-

Thank you, my sweeties, for making me a mama.

I could not have imagined, dreamed up, planned for, anticipated, or known the goodness that entered my life when you each entered my life.

Madeline, you are my dreamer and my generous, loving friend.  Your creative imagination is beautiful to me.  Your thoughtfulness for others brings so much happiness to me.  For birthdays, you like to wrap up gifts in all your blankets and give them away.  You draw pictures and write cards for family and friends.  You are sad when you see sadness.  You are joyful when you see joy.  I learn more about Jesus because of you and you make me a better person.  Thank you, my sweet beautiful girl.

Simeon, you are my dedicated, energetic, kindhearted big boy.   Your determination astounds me.  You love to learn and try new things.  You are adventurous and your energy is contagious.  Your kindness and love for your sisters makes me grin all over.  You baby talk with Anna and share your toys when she wants them.  It is precious.  You spontaneously ask to prayer for baby girl far away.  You pray to ask God is He can make a way for her to be in our family.  You truly melt my heart.  I learn more about Jesus because of you and you make me a better person.  Thank you, my sweet big boy.

Anna, you are my sweet, smiley, easy-going baby girl.  You are attentive and you understand so much.  You love to play wherever your sister and brother are playing.  You reach and run and smile when you see me and I treasure that each and every time.  When your daddy pulls in you squeel with delight and race to the front door.    Your giggle make our lives brighter.  You bring me joy.  I learn more about Jesus because of you and you make me a better person.  Thank you, my sweet baby girl.

And to my little girl who is still far away.  I am so very eager to know you.  To hold you and learn of the precious person that God has created you to be.  I long to see you smile, hear you giggle, watch your creativity and energies flow.  Mostly, I want to rock you and whisper in your ears that you are fearfully and wonderfully made.  That you are loved beyond your imagination.  I learn more about Jesus because of you and you make me a better person.  Thank you, my sweet far away girl.

You are my great joys, thank you, I love you.

things I just may not handle very well

If this is hard now, I can't fathom how much harder I know it will get.

We went to the park this morning and the kiddos began running around, doing their thing.  There was a group of little kids playing and I watched as Madeline ran over to introduce herself.  In my unbiased opinion, she is unbelievably precious and sweet.  My mama radar heightens as I watch and worry (so hard not to do) and see what will happen.  Most of the time all goes well.  Sadly, today was not that day.  She came walking toward me with her head down and tears in her eyes and I knew what had happened.  The kids told her she couldn't play with them and called her an ugly name.  I hold her and hug her and tell her she is special and wonderful and made by God and He loves her more than anything.  I tell her she is sweet, kind, and fun.  We talk about being a good friend and loving others well.  We pray and forgive and start our own game of hide & seek.  Meanwhile, I am holding back my mama tears and thinking many many wrong thoughts towards these children who dared to be mean to my baby and doing my own forgiveness work.

Please, somebody tell me how in the world I will make it through the harder things to come!

On a sweet high note, Madeline was having some rest time in her room and asked me to bring her some crayons.  When I did she said this (seriously, no prompting!):

Thanks, Mom!  You're the best!

Love that girl!  She is currently in her room making cards for all her friends and family.

me and them

Just realized I hadn't posted pics in a while...I have lots of envy of iphone picture posting abilities but every time I begin the attitude about not having one I remember, I get to go to HAWAII this year. Much much better than an iphone.

thank you Jesus

On Saturday we had tickets to the Razorback game. We had made a plan for me and Madeline to have a special date and go together. If you were around here then you know it r.a.i.n.e.d all day long. Actually, poured. Like crazy. So sadly I was assuming we would not be trekking out to the game. Right before Madeline went down for her nap she asked me, when is God going to stop the rain so we can go to the football game? I told her I wasn't sure. She told me excitedly, I know what we need to do! We need to pray and ask Jesus to make it stop so we can go. So we did. And He did. And we went. It was such a sweet sweet prayer from my little girl. Full of hope, joy, and total belief that once she prayed, it would for sure happen. Because she believes fully in her God who answers prayers. I love moments with my children where I see more of Jesus because of who they are. He is very good to keep showing me more of Him through them. On the way home we stopped at Bliss for some delicious strawberry cupcakes and gave thanks to Jesus for answering our prayers and letting us go to the game.

sweetness

A few days ago Madeline & I went to Sams to pick up a few things. When we do things with the kids one-on-one they like to call our time "dates" because Andrew & I go on dates just the two of us. It's pretty cute. Anyway. We were walking through Sams and Madeline said, "Mama, I want to get you a special treat of flowers because I love you." Melt my heart, make me cry. And, yes, we did get me a lovely special treat of flowers.

Then today Andrew & the kids were looking at the scrapbook of our trip to get Simeon in Ethiopia. Well, at one point while we were at the Gladney home he lived in one of the mamas there wanted to show us how Simeon liked his crib. Liked was putting it WAY to strongly. He actually hated it. At least at that moment. So we have these pictures of him sitting in his crib screaming crying. So sad. Andrew was telling him this story and then later, on the way to church, Simeon was telling this all to me. In his sweet little voice he said, "And I was crying and crying but then my mama came and got me." Again, melt my heart, make me cry. My kiddos make me so happy. What a joy to be their mama.

Mama, will you?

Mama, will you play with me?
Mama, will you help me?
Mama, will you come with me?
Mama, will you sit by me?
Mama, will you hold me?

Practicing these days saying yes when I can say yes and enjoy the moments that are already going way too fast.

Baby Hands

"The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing."

Zephaniah 3:17

"In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety." Psalm 4:8

Last night I woke to the cries of my baby. Soft, sad, cries. We've been trying out new foods lately and several have not agreed with her little body. Needless to say, I have mama worry over every cry she makes, not wanting it to mean she's aching. I went to get her and she grabbed tightly to me. With a diaper check and a quick re-swaddling I scooped her up and went to rock. I was willing to nurse her but she just wanted to be close. Her head was on my shoulder, my arms held her tightly. She rested her inner hand flat on my check, sucked her other thumb, and placed those fingers on my chin. My kiss was constantly on her forehead. I held her tightly. I gently rocked her and couldn't keep from crying. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, like the emotion of being a mama. Her sweet baby hands stayed on my face and I prayed and sang softly over her. I knew I loved her. And I knew she loved me. I would do anything for her. And she would let me. I would hold her like that for hours. And that is exactly where she wanted to be. I was overwhelmed with being a mama. In the best, most intimate, deepest way I can imagine.

Andrew & I were talking with his parents on Sunday and were talking about underground seminaries. Andrew mentioned a pastor who went to teach at one of these and how the people there were so hungry for the Word. They couldn't understand why anyone would teach for just an hour or so. They longed for me. So he taught them for five straight days, 8 hours a day. He finished the Old Testament and they asked, what about the New Testament? As we were talking I wondered out loud, what would it be like to long for Jesus and His Words like that?

As I rocked, cherished, held, and tried to memorize my moment last night with Anna I could hear Jesus speaking to me. Come sit with me. Crawl up into My lap. Place your head on My shoulder. Put your hands on My face and hold on. Close your eyes and rest. Let Me love you. Let Me sing over you. Let Me meet your every need. Let Me be all you ever want. I promise, I will. I am Faithful. I am Love. Long for Me. I will delight in you.

In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise

Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.

When I am alone,
When I am alone,
When I am alone,
Give me Jesus.

Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.

When I come to die,
When I come to die,
When I come to die,
Give me Jesus.

Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.

Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
You can have all this world,
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.

9 months old

I have been terrible about chronicling Anna's little life month by month like I did with Madeline. I have managed to get a few pics of her on the 8th of each month--or at least by the 10th. Andrew & I were looking at her 9 month pictures & decided to compare her to Madeline & we soon found this...

Madeline Grace

Anna Elise

I took their 9 month pics in the same outfit! Clearly I like this one. Thanks to Anita for gifting it to Madeline several years ago. And, they are SO different. I think at this time Madeline was about 75% in her height and 5% in her weight. Anna is an even 25% in both. Madeline never had much baby chub...Anna clearly is doing well in that category. Madeline had at least 2 teeth and Anna just got her first. Madeline was crawling. Anna couldn't care less about mobility...including rolling over. She is content to just sit, watch, and be entertained. And shockingly I must say Madeline had more hair at this time. Which is crazy because she was a baldy like Anna. Anna is a sweet sweet baby girl. She eats well, hardly fusses, sleeps well, and loves her sister & brother. Madeline loves kissing her and talking to her like Mama does & Simeon can make her laugh by "roaring" at her. I love watching my kiddos cheery interactions. They definitely make me smile.

musings

I wish my mind would somehow record my thoughts onto paper. It would be super helpful when I forget why I walked from one room to another, forget the four items I need to add to my grocery list, and, my current frustration, forget all the mind-blowingly fabulous blogs I could be writing. So I settle for whatever flows from my end of the day fried & tired mind & have to be happy with it.

This weekend was WONDERFUL! Here a a few happies & random thoughts from our fam.

I love that Madeline & Simeon get so excited over a small black bug they find as we do yard work. Even more, I love how giggly they get when it crawls on their hands.

My hubby took me on a lovely bike ride & Panera date-it was perfect.

I love that Anna sleeps well-who wouldn't? As the sleep dr. says, a well rested baby rests well. Which usually means they wake & play well too. She is so fun.

We have some obnoxious animal(s) digging up our yard. I mean, seriously. Possibly 200-300 holes. So. Annoying. Hopefully the stinky granules we purchased and sprinkled will do their job & repel.

Simeon has this cute/annoyingish habit of refusing to quit saying whatever is on his mind until someone acknowledges him. For example, as Andrew & I are in the middle of a conversation, and from across the room, "Daddy, wanna wrestle? Daddy, wanna wrestle? Daddy, wanna wrestle?" Multiply that times 100 & all. day. long. Someone please acknowledge the boy!

Lastly, Madeline's love language is QUALITY TIME (she is so my daughter) & she also loves to sing. So today we took her to "big" church with us to sit through worship. I had Anna in my lap, Andrew was standing, & Madeline was standing in the chair next to him. She was swaying to the music & just reached over and held Andrew's hand. Melt a mama's heart! So sweet.

a humble mama brag that makes me smile

Not sure if you can have a humble brag but anyway. We've been attempting a weekly Bible study since last September and shockingly it hasn't ended in total disaster each week as I gear up all three kiddos to get out the door, from a parking lot inside a church, and back again. I love the Bible study for myself but even more I have loved it for Madeline & Simeon. Madeline especially loves it! We come home & play Bible study for hours...singing songs, learning about Isaiah, playing games, and talking with our friends. Super cute. We usually always do the same things when playing Bible study but today they busted out a new song & together sang,

Good morning, God.
This is your day.
I am your child.
Show me your way.

It was a melt your heart mama moment & I think I need to be singing that tune everyday!