On Fear & the Glory of God

God's Glory

Several months ago a friend & I were talking through what it looked like to really say and live out in our hearts, minds, and actions that we wanted God to be glorified in our lives above all other things.  Mostly, above our plans and ideas of what is best.  It is one thing to say we long for the glory of God but the truth is, at least for me, so often in my heart and mind I arrange all as I think it should be and then long for God's glory within that.  I say good sounding qualifications like, "your will over mine," but I know in my heart I am not always sure about that.  I want His glory, but I'd like it through my plans and without any hardship to me or my loved ones.  The question arose between us:  Do we really love Him more than our lives?  What hinders us from giving up to Him the dark places of fear in our hearts?  The answer we found was sin.  I know, it seems clear, but I was missing it.  I call my fears struggles and my anxieties over my children nervousness.  I call things anything but sin and therefore I let myself get away with it.  I knew then that I needed to confess it daily-God I want to trust you fully, I confess my fears as sins, I confess I am anxious over Madeline's disobedience, I confess I worry about Simeon, I confess I want things my way, I confess I falter in my trust.  God forgive me, replace in me more of You.  I read this Psalm while thinking through these things & was convicted to rise daily, talk to God, lay out my requests and confessions to Him, and wait expectantly for Him.  

"In the morning, Lord, you hear my voice;

in the morning I lay my requests before you

and wait expectantly."

Psalm 5:3

He is loving and kind.  He is not far off from me.  When I repent of my sins and talk to Him, my eagerness and  longing for more of Jesus grows.  And I think that I need this daily-to keep my dependence on Him daily and desire for Him daily.  It isn't a one and done deal for me.  As if I can pray for full trust today & have it everyday.  I am too weak but thankfully He is sufficient.  And the more I know Him, the more I trust Him, and the more I can say I really do want Him over me.  And I will wait expectantly for His presence, will, and glory to be leading my heart, mind, and actions.  

My Faith & Fears

You see walking this journey to Paulina has pushed me so far in my faith.  I wrote a bit about that here and God is continuing to refine me more and more.  I knew God was teaching me to trust Him, to wait for Him, to be led by faith and not my fears.  But in my mind it all still ended with Paulina.  When we got to Ukraine & and were told we wouldn't be bringing her home everything in me fell back to the place of being led by my fears.  I had worked it all with God you see.  We had made plans & I was trusting Him.  Once again, fear entered.  An overwhelming fear.  I felt very deflated and devastated and unsure of what even to pray.  We felt so powerfully God’s presence and such confidence in what He was doing for us and Paulina and this was not at all what we’d thought would happen.  

In my mind and heart I knew I had two choices: to be angry and question God and walk in fear or to talk to Him, turn to Him, trust Him and pray.  To present my requests to Him and wait expectantly.  So that is what I did.  I sat in that van & confessed my sins, my fears, my anxieties, my lack of trust, my belief that I know better, and I cried.  I cried because I wasn't sure I could trust Him and I cried because I really wanted to. and I cried for longing for my daughter.  I knew in my mind Jesus was with me, was sufficient, & loved me, & I prayed I would believe it in my heart.  I prayed over and over again our verse for Paulina, Psalm 12:5, “Because the poor are plundered, because the needy groan, I will now arise, says the Lord.  I will place her in the safety for which she longs.”  Arise, Lord!  I don’t really know what I thought might happen but I just kept praying.  And as I prayed my longing for God grew, my confidence in His love and character deepened, I was asking for Him to do what seemed impossible and at the same time trusting Him more for whatever came next.  I was reminded that God is on our side, He is bigger, and His love never fails.  He created Paulina, He knows her and loves her far more than we could ever imagine.  

In these moments I chose to take what God has for us and draw nearer to Jesus.  Trust in His goodness, desire His glory, and long for Jesus above ourselves and our circumstances.  We will walk with Him the road before us, because we are with Him.  Our circumstances are not the end nor are the bettering of our circumstances proof of God’s power and ability.  Rather our dependence on Him, our transforming more to His likeness, and our faith working itself out more and more for His glory.  For the last year as we’ve walked this road to Paulina God has taught me over and over to long for Him over all else and be fully dependent on Him alone.  I have broken down with Jesus in the recognition that I can do nothing outside of Him and have nothing outside of Him and confessed to Jesus that He is all I want, all sufficient, and that I would rather have Him than anything.  So here I was again, my heart laid out before the Lord, weak and failing but choosing Him, because where else would I turn?  

“Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God.” John 6:68-69

He is good and His presence is always with us. 

The truth is we are each called to give up all of ourselves to Jesus.  Every inch, every decision, every fear, every bit of our future.  What it looks like for me is totally different than what it looks like for you.  He is calling me to His plans for me, to a life that only I can live for Him.  And He will be with me to show me, guide me, and equip me to live fully for Him.  I am learning and praying to trust Him more for this every day and to long for Him over anything else.  

If you stuck this one out, you are kind.  :)  And also if you did, I want to tell you that God is working out every single detail so we can bring Paulina home and allowing us to see Him and know Him so much more today than a week ago.  We are thankful to know Him, and thankful His plans for us and Paulina are drawing us together.  His glory is being made known through her life and we rejoice in that!  

He is writing her story, and He is writing ours.