"The
righteous will see and fear; they will laugh at you, saying, 'Here now is the
man who did not make God his stronghold but trusted in his great wealth and
grew strong by destroying others!' But I am like an olive tree
flourishing in the house of God; I trust in God's unfailing love for ever and
ever. For what you have done I will always praise you in the presence of
your faithful people. And I will hope in your name, for your name is
good."
Psalm 52:
6-9
I wake
each day and need Him. I feel my minutes
& hours ticking by and I’m filled with struggles, fears, insecurities. My heart and my mind are a battlefield in
which I long for utter dependence on the goodness and grace of God to
reign.
Yet the battle is hard. And I am
weary. Weakness drives me and I search
for significance, purpose, to matter.
Jesus is
removed as my standard, my grace, my all.
He is replaced with the world around me.
Do I have what it takes to raise godly children? Do others see me doing a good job? Does my life matter? Does anyone notice me? Comparison sucks me dry and I go to bed
exhausted.
I need Him. Without Him, there is only
drowning. Drowning in sins of
comparison, seeking significance from others approval, finding worth by being
“known”.
Here is
where I find Him. Or rather, where He is
gently but firmly pushing me.
"But
as for me, it is good to be near God." Psalm 73:28
He is so
good to meet with me. To love me. To pursue me and show me more of
Him and His unbelievable love.
I am
learning to recognize my sin. And by His
grace, I am gaining in my desire to be rid of it. I long to walk in the
nearness of my God as my Father & Friend. To be set free from the
trappings of this world. To keep my eyes, heart, mind, and actions firmly
planted on Him and His truths alone.
I must
not, can’t be, and don’t truly want to be defined by the world, those around
me, what I am or am not. I belong to
Jesus. Simple and plain. That is where I am, who I am.
Not plain
as in feel sorry for me or say something to boost my ego plain.
A good
plain.
I am a
sinful person receiving the unmerited grace and favor of God. I am a
wife, a mother, a friend, a disciple, a mentor, a Bible study teacher, and
whatever else God has for me in my days. I am nothing outside of who I am
in Christ. And in Him I am free from the need of any applause of man, any
noticing of the world around me, and all else that holds me back from the
fullness of His grace. I actually want to be plain. I still battle like crazy the things of my
flesh that tell me "there is more out there" or "no one notices
you" or "you aren't valuable". These things come to me in
the form of fear, insecurity, insignificance, rejection, comparison, jealousy,
regret, anger, and bitterness to name a few. These are my sins. But I choose to fight them.
Because there is nothing that compares to flourishing in the house of God.
I long to flourish in the house of God. Like a tree, rooted deep
and growing full. My heart desire is for Jesus to be my sufficiency, my
first love, my standard & my driving force in all my days.
"You will make known to me the paths of life. In your presence is
fullness of joy, at your right hand are pleasures forever." Psalm 16:11
I don't want to just know Jesus
as my salvation. I want to know Him. I can't explain in
words what I mean by that one word: know.
It is deep and personal for me. And trust me, this is no easy task.
I am easily swayed and fall so quickly to my flesh. But again, I am
choosing to fight it. God is chipping away inside my heart and mind,
revealing the sin that tears me up and filling me more with a glimpse of what
it is to flourish with Him.
What in
the world does this look like? So far it's looked like learning more
about who God is, learning to see, confess, and hate my sins, learning to love
Him more, learning to be loved by Him. It's a daily work of trusting Him,
talking to Him, reading His word, acknowledging Him, confessing to Him,
choosing Him over my flesh & the lies of the Satan & the
world.
When my body doesn't want to get up early to meet with Jesus? I fight and
choose the path that leads to flourishing.
When my husband's schedule is full of meetings and people and lunches and mine
is empty and laden with more pb&j?
When my 3 year old comes out of my bathroom totally naked and with poop
everywhere?
When my laundry stares at me for days?
When my daughter cries and cries from years of things unknown to me that break
my heart and fill me with anger?
When my
oldest tells me through tears she doesn't know how to do right things &
I get to hug her and tell her about Jesus?
When the young woman I mentor cries over her longing to stop her sins and I
ache with the desire to make it all better for her?
Wherever
I am, whatever I am doing, all that God has for me. I have to choose to
fight to flourish. To set my eyes on Jesus Christ. To bind my heart
& mind to Him. He is in everything, His presence is always with
me, being near Him is good.
"I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me, freeing me from all my fears.
Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of
shame will darken their faces. I cried out to the Lord in my suffering
and he heard me. He set me free from all my fears. For the angel of
the Lord guards all who fear him, and he rescues them. Taste and see that the
Lord is good. Oh, the joys of those who trust in him!" Psalm
34:4-8
